For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
