I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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