im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
