i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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