Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize