dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
