My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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