She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
