Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
