i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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