Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
