i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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