I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
