Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
