I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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