you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
