i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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