if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Randomize
