i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
