I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
