I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
