I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Houston, we have a squirter
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
