If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
