You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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