Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize