I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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