Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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