Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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