Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
