the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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