She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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