Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
