You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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