I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
