my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize