No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
