Taylor Swift is so right about you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
