I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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