I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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