can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just googled if crying burns calories
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
