The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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