when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize