oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
