You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
