Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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