I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
