I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
