Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize