I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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