you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
