if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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