You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
