new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
