Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
