i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
