your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
