I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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