dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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