proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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